that was the intent, but not the effect.
it’s not that i don’t like to ‘discover’ things, i do, but in my own way and in my own time. here i am discovering the royal gorge in colorado, but please note how perfectly turned out i am: stance in 3rd position (what i’ve subsequently dubbed “the retail stand” as it opens your body to your client “see, i’m friendly and open and non-threatening” it says.) and the arms, pulled into my waist and the hands held just so. i even look happy.
happiness was elusive, i was nervous and prone to outbursts of emotion as one can be at 15 when so much is changing for you physically and emotionally–still a child in some ways and yet all of these complex adult feelings swirling inside of you–your own tornado sans storm chasers and no early warning system. i’m sure the adults in my life were thankful for the reprieve this particular moment seems to have delivered to them.
at this same time, i’d started appearing in plays (outside of school) and that release gave me a place to explore those wily emotions or at least a green room for them to sit and wait for their cue. so, yes, intrepid explorer is a spot-on description for this moment in my life.