an arrangement of grey without black (not a portrait of my mother)

no whistling, please.

i did not imagine that it would be so this many years later. that little pang (pain) of jealousy at the happiness of others; the one i tamp down and do what i can to ignore, but it sits there, quietly, insistent though (or perhaps persistent) in spite of my best efforts to ignore it.

for many reasons it is not an entirely unpleasant sensation for it conjures the past out of time, place, and circumstance, each instance photographic (and delphic.) but it is that little flicker of “what if” that is the most difficult for me to ignore. i do not want to build my own fantasy out of the happiness of others; it would just be a facade of the truth and i do what i can to not live my life that way.

have you walked inside a cloud? not the fog, but a cloud floating in the sky, not your imagining of a heavenly cloud dotted with angels and godheads, harps (as silly as that may seem) and frolicking pets (a rainbow bridge), but the greys of not-knowing, indecision, frustration, and fear. there is not much comfort in being lost in a cloud; it only looks beautiful from the distance of you standing on the earth (spinning east to west), the clouds moving in time-lapse formation, thrilling and alive, youtube-prescient, easy like that.

but inside of that cloud there would be no moment of peace, you unable to fix your bearings, mark your spot, giving up for lost the grip you felt you had on your life, free-falling. that is the sadness that accompanies my jealousy.


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© Robert Patrick, and Cultivar, 2008-2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts, photographs and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Robert Patrick and Cultivar with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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