jealousy, anger & past lives, yup, that’s what i was thinking about when i titled this post, but before i delved into the subject matter i added the photographs & they put a stop to that train of thought, so they’ve sat here in my posts file for the better part of a week & at this point they’re a bit of an irritant, so to move on i will:
“there will always be people with more than what you have,” is what had really triggered the title. my mother’s words, possibly tattooed on my forehead (backwards so i can read them when i’m looking in the mirror shaving–with a nod to da vinci & any hardy boys fans,) rise up in my throat every once-in-a-while, that sulphuric aftertaste of green bile spit out in recognition of the truth.
of course, in polite society, one does learn to control one’s baser instincts, after all if we didn’t just imagine… but i think it’s true that we are all tinged with envy; it’s an everyday occurrence, it can be so slight it may not even register, but we’re always sizing up ____ or ___________ ________ & their ______ or how ___ their ____ is & where we stand (or fall down) in comparison & oh how we wish, “if only i had that ___ of a ____ i would show them how it’s used to better the world.
we want to believe we are the better person, even when we are lacking what it is we desire. having it, of course, is no guarantee of altruism, whether it’s us or them. i will admit though, that as i age (& perhaps i am not ready to say this out loud.)
let me try it another way: i am still a work-in-progress. my past catches up with me sometimes (not that it is a bad past, but you know, you want to believe that you’ve moved beyond certain emotions) & i think jealousy is the one emotion i would very much like to see the backside of (but only if it isn’t as beautiful as mine.)