in the mirror today: my face betrayed me

i avoid the mirror, in the morning particularly, when my skin is creased from the bed linens and my hair, such as it is, is pointing in the opposite direction of my thoughts, its own little maelstrom of indecision, an eddy of gray draining down my back—my friend, S., told me that she no longer steps directly out of the shower, but instead backs out so she doesn’t have to see herself naked—i try to avoid the mirror, but i am gay, and i am curious, and i am still narcissistic enough to care, chagrined at the loss of tautness/firmness/glow/hair growing where it never did before and where before it grew fleeing in such a way as to warrant emergency sirens; truly it’s not the wrinkles (i lie) it’s just that i hate to see it leave — you know — those questions pop up:  did i love deeply enough?  was i always kind to those less fortunate?  could i have shared myself with more people?  would they have wanted me?  but i am stuck with the answers/memories that now are making/leaving their marks on my face/body/hands/knees/elbows/torso/legs/feet/neck.  a warning: it’s a bit of shock, not wholly unexpected, but a shock nonetheless, i hope that i am up to the challenge/i fear most losing my mind


2 Responses to “in the mirror today: my face betrayed me”

  1. December 26, 2009 at 11:42 am

    It’s very brave of you to reveal your thoughts and feelings publicly, as you have.
    I suppose you are a trusting person. 🙂

    The fear of a descent into the abyss of Alzheimer’s disease is shared by many people. You are not alone.

    • 2 robtpatrick
      December 26, 2009 at 2:13 pm

      I don’t think it’s a matter of trust, I believe the thoughts & feelings are universal–something we’ll have to face sooner or later.

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© Robert Patrick, and Cultivar, 2008-2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts, photographs and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Robert Patrick and Cultivar with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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