fear of being unliked in a group [tumblarity] why i can’t ignore it i don’t know, but it’s eating away at me high school all over again (without the acne and that a**hole, danny h. who tormented me and now in retrospect maybe he was <gasp> gay too) same time giggles gurgle up over stupidity of it all as i have plenty of self-respect -worth i am after all an accomplished ________ and have the respect of my peers who needs it i do find it fascinating and debilitating/invigorating/cold stream over barefeet skin goose-pimpling real/refreshing/enlightening/stimulating/funny/mad (lady gaga ‘mad’) a vortex of synapses swirling/flashing/brilliant/enlivening

and yet what will this exposure gain me youth/memory/skill/craft and who will care if not strangers although revealing it is a safe harbor/shelter/roof/tree bough it is controlled/not passion/indifferent to the bumps [no ‘likes’] some sticks/some doesn’t and i fall through each space rapeling dropping past coppertone christs sweat-sheen clearly crucified an offering to photographic gods this century worships

anxiety smothers me in its warm embrace as i steal/lie/burgle time from someone else to communicate/reach-out/grasp at empty space the cursor my only companion which path this must be a crossroad my heart palpitating wildly that first roller-coaster ride/that first kiss from a man/heaving/pushing against the rib cage even a walk just now around the metrolink parking lot did nothing to quell

can this feeling be nothing more fleeting than the glimpse you catch of a handsome man on the train platform as you worry worry worry why won’t this stop stop stop a frame of film 24 per second clickety-clackety sprockets the rhythm of your heart unspools time 20 beats 15 seconds reasonable reasonable reasonable repetition comforting but still that peace is elusive


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© Robert Patrick, and Cultivar, 2008-2013. Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this blog’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts, photographs and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Robert Patrick and Cultivar with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

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